I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
