when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
