Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Say something about gay babies.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
