I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
me + whiskey = a bad person
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
