I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
