Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
