Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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