Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
