I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
