Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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