She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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