I accidentally had phone sex last night
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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