ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
