At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
