I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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