New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
