I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
