I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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