The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
