Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
