def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
