did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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