I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i need some magic done to my vagina
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
