Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
