I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
