Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
