I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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