You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think i peed on brittanys purse
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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