I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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