I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize