it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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