i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
