He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize