The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
