im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
