Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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