please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
