I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
