planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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