Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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