I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
