Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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