Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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