Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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