then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
