Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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