so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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