farters have to be the big spoon...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
