Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
