so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
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