I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
