literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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