he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize