She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
