Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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