the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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