I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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