I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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