You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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