I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
