You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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