fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
